Excerpts From the Diary for the Biography of Father John of Kronstadt

I glorify the boundless mercy and forbearance of God toward me and all mankind. For seventy years I have sinned every day and repented, and the Lord had mercy on me, did not punish me according to all His justice, waiting for my amendment each day. The days of my youth passed, and in the higher educational institution, in the Academy, I became more attentive to my inner world. Having become a priest, I lived not without sin, but increasingly deepened the meaning of my calling, and the Lord each day had mercy on me, granting me tears of repentance, making me worthy of frequent Communion of the Holy Mysteries. My service to the holy Church, the performance of prayers and the Mysteries was not without stumbling. Invisible enemies strongly fought and captured me, troubled me, especially during the performance of the Mysteries – the struggle was for spiritual life and death. I repented, wept, conquered and overcame, receiving forgiveness. In the first years of my priesthood, I did not often, not every day, celebrate the Liturgy, and therefore often weakened spiritually. Then, seeing the benefit of daily celebration of the Liturgy and Communion of the holy Mysteries, I began to serve daily and receive Communion. And throughout all the years of my priesthood and service to God, how much mercy I received from Him! – there is no number. I thank the Lord for the wondrous evening and morning prayers and the rule before holy Communion. How much the Lord gave me tears of purifying compunction, what streams of mercy He poured upon me, and this every day – even now! What shall I render to the Lord for all these mercies? My sins have multiplied more than the sand of the sea, and I still live, and still repent, not ceasing to sin in deed, word, thought, laziness, neglect, lack of self-control, and every sin inherent to man. O God, be merciful to me, a sinner, still and more! Be patient with me, grown old in iniquities, and cleanse me from every defilement of flesh and spirit. Amen.

O Lord, I experience daily the repulsion from You of the spirit of earthly delusion, which deadens me, darkens me, torments me with vanity. Constantly I must war with myself, with my desires and the enemy’s delusion, and mortify all passions, counting them absurd, senseless, and destructive, and prefer all to You alone and love You alone. O, how cunning, sleepless, active the enemy is for our destruction! And we do not soon perceive his schemes, but afterward, when he becomes extremely tiresome and hateful. We often find ourselves in his delusion. O Lord, deliver us from the evil one. The solitary life is blessed, uplifted by divine longing (Antiphon).

O Lord, fill all my being, and may every ill-will flee far from me, let it not touch me even for a moment. Let me be entirely in You and with You, sufficing Good. You are my life. You are my peace, You are my blessedness, You are my light, my strength, and my glory. Amen.

O Lord, do not let me dream of myself as if I were better than anyone of the people, but think of myself as the worst of all and judge no one, and judge myself strictly.

My holy Guardian Angel instructs me daily and hourly on the path of salvation. I see this with the eyes of my heart, sense it, and thank God and God’s appointed guardian.

Each day the Lord recreates and renews me through the celebration of the Liturgy and the reception of the holy life-giving Mysteries. I see this, feel this, sense this divine miracle and thank the Creator and my Recreator, who recreates me anew, heals me, brings me peace. What shall I bring, or what shall I render to You, O Lord? I have nothing of my own that is good; all is Yours. Teach me to love You ardently, O Lord my God.

The Trinity – my life, my light, my peace, my deliverance, my salvation, my beauty, my health, my contentment, my providence for me and for all creation, my strength and glory, my broad renewal. She is everything for me; I envy no one; I wish everyone well and beseech God to grant all what is needful for them, and for the rich a generous heart and a compassionate one.

I would wish to see the primordial Goodness, Brightness, Beauty, infinite Wisdom, Power, creating all and sustaining and governing all, but I am not ready, my heart is not pure. “Having such promises, let us purify ourselves from all defilement of body and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God” (2Cor 7:1).

In my old age (79 years), each day is a special mercy of God, each hour and each minute. My physical strength has been exhausted, but my spirit is alert and burns for my beloved Bridegroom, the Lord Jesus Christ. I have received so many pledges of mercy from God in this life; I hope also in the future life after death. And death is a birth into eternal life through God’s mercy and philanthropy.

Glory to God! Fifty-two years have been fulfilled of my priesthood by God’s grace and mercy; I am still alive, though ailing. For so many years of grace-filled priesthood I cannot thank the Lord, the One in Trinity. As I could, as I was able, as I labored, I served, but erred greatly, weakened much, was fought against greatly by the enemy. Cover, O Lord, all my sins with Your mercy.

What shall I render to You, O Lord, for having granted me the mercy to be born and raised in the Orthodox faith and Church and in my dear, priceless homeland, Russia, in which from ancient times the Orthodox Church has been planted. – I thank and glorify You as best I can, by Your grace!

O Lord! There are no words in human speech worthy to thank You for all the countless blessings revealed through Your goodness to me, a sinner, throughout all my life, which has passed before Your Face, O merciful Father! Even now, behold, in my seventy-ninth year, You preserve and save me each day, and now especially in the sight of my enemies, seeking to devour me because I am Your servant, though unworthy. But grant me, O Lord, the grace to thank You completely and to acquire the life purified by repentance created for me, grant me to escape the delusion of multiform sin, fighting and wishing to steal me away from You. Grant me to glorify You loudly, loudly in this godless world. Amen.