Excerpts From the Diary for the Biography of Father John of Kronstadt

I glorify the boundless mercy and longsuffering of God toward me and toward all mankind. Throughout seventy years I have sinned every day and repented, and the Lord has been merciful to me, has not punished me according to all His justice, awaiting my correction every day. The days of my youth have passed—and in higher education, in the Seminary, I began to relate more carefully to my inner world. Having become a priest, I lived not without sin, but I delved deeper and deeper into the meaning of my calling, and the Lord was merciful to me daily, granting me tears of repentance, granting me frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries. My service to the Holy Church, the performance of prayers and the Mysteries was not without stumbling; the invisible enemies strongly fought and captivated me, troubled me, especially during the performance of the Mysteries—a battle for life and death, spiritual death. I repented, wept, defeated, and received forgiveness. In the first years of my priesthood I did not serve the liturgy often, not every day, and therefore often grew weak spiritually; then, seeing the benefit of daily performance of the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries, I began to serve daily and partake. And throughout all my years of priesthood and service to God how much mercy I have received from Him—it cannot be counted. I thank the Lord for the wondrous evening and morning prayers and the rule for Holy Communion. How many tears of tender repentance the Lord gave me, what floods of mercy He poured out upon me, and this every day—even now! What can I render to the Lord for all these mercies? My iniquities are multiplied beyond the number of the sands of the sea, and I yet live and repent, and still sin without ceasing—in deed, word, thought, laziness, carelessness, intemperance, and every sin inherent to man. O God, be merciful to me, a sinner, again and again! Be patient with me, grown old in iniquities, and cleanse me from all filthiness of flesh and spirit. Amen.

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Lord, I experience daily a repulsion from You by the spirit of earthly spiritual delusion that deadens me, darkens, torments with vanity. Constantly I must wage war with myself, with my lusts and the enemy’s delusions, and mortify every passion, counting them absurd, senseless, and ruinous, and preferring to love You alone above all. O how cunning, wakeful, and active is the enemy for our destruction! And we do not soon recognize his schemes; only afterward when he has become extremely tiresome and repugnant do we perceive them. We are often under his delusion. Lord, deliver us from the evil one. “Blessed is the life of those living in deserts, uplifted by divine longing” (an antiphon).

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Lord, fill all my being, and let every ill-will flee far from me; not for a single moment let this absurdity touch me. Let me be wholly in You and with You, You all-sufficient Good. You are my life. You are my peace. You are my blessedness, You are my light, my strength, and my glory. Amen.

Lord, do not let me boast in myself as though I were better than someone else, but let me think of myself as the worst of all and judge no one, but judge myself strictly.

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My holy Guardian Angel instructs me daily and hourly on the path of salvation. I see this with the eyes of my heart, feel it, and thank God and His appointed guardian.

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Each day the Lord renews and recreates me through the performance of the liturgy and communion of the life-giving Holy Mysteries. I see, feel, sense this divine wonder and thank the Creator and my Recreator, “recreating me as a new creation,” healing, making peace. What shall I offer or render to You, Lord? I have nothing good of my own; all is Yours. Teach me to love You fervently, O Lord my God.

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The Trinity is my life, my light, peace, deliverance, my salvation, my glory, my health, my contentment, the providence for me and all creation, my strength and glory, my renewal vast. She is all to me; I envy no one, I wish good to all and pray to God to grant each what is needed, to the rich a generous heart and a compassionate heart.

I would like to see the original Goodness, Brightness, Beauty, infinite Wisdom, Strength, which created all and sustains and governs all, but I am not ready, my heart is unclean. “Since we have these promises, let us purify ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God” (2Cor 7:1).

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By my old age (79 years) every day is a special mercy of God, every hour and every minute: my physical strength is exhausted, yet my spirit is vigorous and burns with longing for my beloved Bridegroom, the Lord Jesus Christ. So many pledges of mercy I have received and continue to receive from God in this life; I hope for them in the future life after death as well. Death is birth into eternal life, by God’s mercy and loving-kindness.

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Glory to God! Fifty-two years have been fulfilled to my priesthood by God’s grace and mercy; I am yet alive, though I am ill. For so many years of gracious priesthood I will not be able to thank the Lord sufficiently, the One God in Trinity. As much as I could, as I knew, as I strove—I have served, yet I often made mistakes, was weak, the enemy fought hard. Cover, Lord, all my sins with Your mercy.

What shall I render to You, Lord, seeing that You granted me mercy to be born and raised in the Orthodox faith and Church and in my precious, priceless fatherland, Russia, in which the Orthodox Church has been planted since ancient times. I thank and glorify You as I am able, by Your grace!

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Lord, there are no words in human speech worthy enough to thank You for all the innumerable benefactions shown by Your goodness to me, a sinner, throughout all my life that has passed before Your face, O merciful Father! Even now, here in my seventy-ninth year, You preserve and save me every day, and now especially, in the face of my enemies who seek to devour me because I am Your servant, though unworthy. But grant me, Lord, grace to thank You perfectly and to attain a life made pure by repentance, grant me to escape the delusion of sin manifold, which fights me and seeks to steal me from You. Grant me to glorify You loudly—loudly—in this godless world. Amen.