Chapter 18
On Self-Pity and Self-Indulgence
18.2.1 May the mercy of God be with you!
18.3.1 The self-pity you complain of is dangerous and destructive. If you have to indulge yourself because of illness, that’s nothing to worry about. But if you do it under the pretext of illness, that’s bad. Here you see deception toward yourself—the worst kind of deception there is.
18.4.1 You seem to regard self-pity very lightly, treating instances of yielding to it as unimportant actions. That’s a serious mistake on your part. Instances of self-pity may indeed seem trivial; But the presence of this self-pity in the soul is far from trivial. What does it mean, after all? It means that self-indulgence is stronger in us than pleasing God. We resolved to do this and that, recognizing it as necessary in the work of establishing a saving life and pleasing to God; but then we abandon it for no other reason than that this abandonment is more pleasant to us—to our body or our soul. In that moment, we turn from pleasing God to self-indulgence. Your conscience sees your wrongdoing and troubles you. And it is right to do so. You shouldn’t have bound yourself with vows—saying you’ll do this and that for the sake of ascetic struggle—when you had no confidence that you could master yourself each time. For example: you resolved not to drink tea, and then you drank a cup. And you’re troubled by it. The matter itself—drinking a cup—is small. But what is great is that your conscience is wounded and that you allow yourself to do things that break your earlier resolutions. This destroys the inner order and creates a habit of not attending to your conscience when it points you toward what is right. And then... fearlessness will come, and complete indifference to pleasing God! It’s better not to bind yourself with rules down to the smallest detail, but to have one simple principle: every time, act against the demands of self-indulgence. And if you do allow your body some relief, let it be not out of self-indulgence, but out of the recognition that it’s necessary for your health. Not drinking tea is good and healthy. But since in other cases it does give strength to the body, you can sometimes drink a cup. That’s exactly how you should approach it: I will abstain from tea from time to time. Because sometimes it’s very easy to do without. But it’s better not to bind yourself with such petty restrictions. Rather, hold to the general principle: do not indulge the flesh; and act in this spirit, making your decisions each time with that in mind.
18.5.1 I mentioned tea only as an example; But you must act this way in everything: with food, sleep, walks, and rest, and so on. Whatever hinders your inner order, don’t allow it in any form. That’s why you need to have an elder at your side. A spiritual father is best for this. At the slightest thing that comes up, ask right away. Your conscience will be at peace. And so she will be able to demand it lawfully.
18.6.1 “There is no progress,” you say. And there won’t be, as long as self-indulgence and self-pity remain. Self-pity and self-indulgence plainly testify that the “I” dominates in the heart, not the Lord. Self-love is the sin living in us, from which all sinfulness comes, and which makes the whole person a sinner, from head to foot, as long as it has a place in the soul.[1] But when the whole person is sinful, how can grace come to him? It won’t come, just as a bee won’t go where there’s smoke.
18.7.1 The presence of self-love is a sign that the first decision to work for the Lord was formed incompletely and unsuccessfully. This decision has two ends: one – let him deny himself, the other – let him follow after Me... The first requires the complete suppression of egoism, or self-love, and consequently the non-admission of self-indulgence and self-pity – neither great nor small. Consequently, in those who have them, the decision was incomplete.
18.8.1 Such a decision makes a person like those of whom it is said in the Apocalypse: neither hot nor cold... neither one thing nor the other... – They want to be saved, but self-opposition is not permitted. You cannot serve God and mammon.
18.9.1 I bring all this to your attention so that you will examine yourselves carefully and determine what is truly at the center of your hearts: ‘I’ or the Lord. Then sit down and think it through—what is to be done? Ask me to pray for your deliverance from self-indulgence. What would I pray for in that case? God will not hear it. He hears prayer only from those who do not indulge in self-will. God hears any person only when that person is not enslaved by these firstborn daughters of sin.[2] Only when a person is free from self-pity and self-indulgence will the Lord grant grace and spiritual progress. The Lord does not give these things himself, but requires that you yourself acquire them as a pledge—and for this you deserve his mercy.[3]
18.10.1 May the Lord bless you!
18.11.1 Be saved!
18.12.1 Your intercessor, Bishop Theophan.