Guidance for Those Drawn to Monastic Life. The Various Forms of Celibate Life and its Ascetic Labor. Patient Waiting and Preparation for Monastic Life at Home

May the mercy of God be with you!

You write: “Oh, if only it could happen sooner! I would fly this very moment to some desert place, so as to see and hear nothing.” No, no. There can be no haste whatsoever. Where there is hurry and that kind of fervor—sooner, sooner, faster, faster—there the work is not God’s. Agitated desires, even good ones, are not truly good and do not lead to what is good. What is of God moves quietly, imperceptibly, but solidly.

Pray and wait patiently, watching to see whether a door of departure might open. The Lord will arrange things so that you yourself will not even guess how everything comes together. Betroth yourself to the Lord now—within yourself, before Him alone. But as for when to enter the choir of His brides—leave that decision to Him. Surrender yourself entirely into His hands.

You are drawn to the monastery. But a monastery is not the only place for those who do not wish to bind themselves in family ties. In the beginning there were no monasteries at all. Those who resolved to serve the Lord without entangling themselves in worldly cares would arrange for themselves a secluded little room in their own home, and there they lived set apart from everything, in fasting, prayer, and the study of Holy Scripture. Then, considerably later, when it became inconvenient to live in homes, some began to go out beyond the cities and villages and lived there—some in natural caves, some in tombs, some in purposely built cells resembling huts. And after them, monasteries came into being, so that people could live in community, support one another by common effort, and pursue the work of salvation through dedicated ascetic feats. But even alongside monasteries, some who resolved to dedicate their lives to the Lord in celibacy did not enter a monastery, but committed themselves to serving their brothers and sisters in hospitals, almshouses, and hospices. All these forms of life, which took shape from the very beginning in Christ’s Church, have never been cut off but have always existed and continue to exist to this day. Even now, among the celibate, some are saved at home, some go to monasteries, and some take up the care of the sick as sisters of mercy.

You may choose any one of these forms of life. But which one exactly—you must wait and see which God will indicate. You said rightly that it is easier to be saved in a monastery. There one can more quickly attain purification of the heart and that state which is ”joy in the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 14:17). Everything there is arranged toward that end. It seems to me that given the state of your health as well, a monastery is the most suitable place for you. Therefore do not abandon the thought of entering one in due time. The Lord will indicate the time. Until then, you must be patient. Until then, labor in the first manner—that is, living at home. Have your own room—treat it as a monastic cell and lead your life there as though in a monastery. Let your father and mother be your abbesses, all your family be your monastic sisters, and you—an obedient novice for everyone, without exception.

You are rushing to the monastery as though toward freedom and paradise. It is true that there is full freedom for the spirit there, but not for the body and outward affairs. In that respect there is complete constraint—the irrevocable law of having no will of one’s own. And paradise is indeed there, but it is found not always by walking a flowered road. It truly exists there, but it is fenced in by thornbushes and brambles, through which one must make one’s way to reach it. No one attains it without being pierced and scratched. Keep this in mind, and correct your expectations of freedom and paradise from the monastery.

Wait patiently, then. Remember the governess![1] She waited seven years, testing the firmness of her intention. And she became a fiery nun because of it.

Why hurry? The monasteries are not going anywhere. You will find your way into one in time. Meanwhile you will be strengthened in your intention and will grow stronger in body as well. Your household is entirely devout in its ways. Your parents and your family are God-fearing people. There is nothing you need to endure there that would be contrary to your resolution to dedicate yourself to the Lord. Ripen, then, in such an atmosphere and in such a nurturing environment.

So it is decided: wait. And little by little, begin to align your life and habits with those of the monastery.

The Lord bless you!