Self-Knowledge

“O Lord the King, grant me to see my transgressions!” Prayer of Saint Ephraim of Syria.

“Try me, O God, and know my heart: examine me, and understand my paths: and see if there is any way of iniquity in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Ps 138:23-24.

Since the first human sinned, people have been so darkened by sin in the very center of their being (in the heart) that they often have no awareness or sense of God’s omnipresence, and they imagine that four walls and a ceiling can hide them from Him who fills all things, who sees all, and who perceives what is hidden in secret places. If anyone hides in secret places, shall I not see him? Do not I fill heaven and earth? (Jer 23:24) I am naked and hidden! (Gen 3:10) But no.

Watch over your heart throughout your life and observe, listen to it—what hinders it from union with God the all-blessed? Let this be the science of sciences, and with God’s help you can easily discern what separates you from God and what draws you near to Him, unites you with Him. The heart itself testifies to this, now uniting itself with God, now torn away from Him. Above all, the deceiver stands between our heart and God—he it is who separates us from God through various passions, or through the lust of the flesh, or through the lust of the eyes and the pride of life.

Examine yourself often: where are the eyes of your heart turned—toward God and the life of the age to come, toward the glorious, blessed, and radiant heavenly powers and the saints dwelling in heaven, or toward the world, toward earthly goods: food, drink, clothing, dwelling, toward sinful people and their vain occupations? Oh, if only our eyes were always turned toward God! But we only turn our eyes to the Lord in need and sorrow, while in times of plenty our eyes are turned toward the world and its vain affairs. And what will it bring you, you say, this gazing toward the Lord? Deep peace and tranquility to your heart, light to your mind, holy zeal to your will, and deliverance from the snares of the enemy. My eyes are ever toward the Lord, says David, and he gives the reason: for He will pluck my feet from the snare (Ps 24:15). The Lord speaks peace to those who turn their hearts to Him (Ps 84:9).

Sin closes the eyes of the heart: the thief thinks God does not see; the fornicator, given over to filthy deeds, thinks God does not see him; the lover of money, the glutton, the drunkard think themselves hidden with their vices. But God sees and judges. I am naked and hidden (Gen 3:10). Thus every sinner speaks through his deeds, hiding from the omnipresent God.

The greatest and constant delusion of our heart, with which we must struggle continuously throughout our whole life, is the secret thought that we can somehow exist without God and apart from God, for even a single moment. We must continually establish our heart in God, from whom it constantly turns away in thought, and great success in Christian life belongs to him who can sincerely cry out with Hannah, the mother of Samuel: my heart is established in the Lord, my horn is exalted in my God, my mouth is enlarged over my enemies, I rejoice in Your salvation (1Sam 2:1).

We must wash ourselves from filth, and prayer is washing from spiritual filth, that is, from sins, especially tears of repentance.

We sin in thought, word, and deed. To become pure images of the Holy Trinity, we must strive for holiness in our thoughts, words, and deeds. Thought corresponds in God to the Father, word to the Son, deed to the Holy Spirit—the all-perfecting One. Sins of thought in a Christian are no trivial matter, because, according to the testimony of Saint Macarius of Egypt, all our pleasing God is contained in our thoughts: for thoughts are the beginning, and from them come words and actions—words, because they either give grace to those who hear them or are rotten words that become a stumbling block to others, corrupting the thoughts and hearts of others; actions even more so, because examples work more powerfully on people than anything else, drawing them to imitation.

Conscience in people is nothing other than the voice of the omnipresent God walking in the hearts of humans. As the Creator of all things and the One Being, the Lord knows everyone as Himself—all the thoughts, desires, intentions, words and deeds of people, present, past, and future. No matter how far my thoughts and imagination carry me forward, He is there before me, and I always, inevitably in Him, make my journey, always having Him as the witness of my paths. His eyes are open to all the ways of the sons of men (Jer 32:19). Where shall I go from Your Spirit? And where shall I flee from Your presence? (Ps 138:7).

Oh, if only we would pay attention to the consequences of our sins or of our good deeds! How careful we would then be in fleeing from sin, and how zealous for good; for we would clearly see that every sin, if not torn out in time, when established by habit, sends its roots deep into a person’s heart and sometimes troubles, wounds, and torments him unto death, awakening, as it were, and coming to life in him at every opportunity that recalls the sin once committed, and thus defiles his thought, feeling, and conscience. Torrents of tears are needed to wash away the accumulated filth of sin: so sticky and caustic is it! On the other hand, every good deed, once performed sincerely and unselfishly, or through repetition transformed into habit, gladdens our heart and becomes a solace in our life, when we recognize that we did not live our sin-filled life entirely in vain, that we are like people and not beasts, that we too were created in the image of God, and in us there is a spark of divine light and love, that although some of our good deeds will be a counterweight to our bad deeds on the scales of God’s unbribable justice.

A clean heart makes the whole person clean; an unclean heart makes the whole person unclean: out of the heart come evil thoughts, adultery, fornication, theft, false witness, blasphemy… (Mt 15:19). But all the saints acquired a pure heart through fasting, wakefulness, prayer, meditation on God, reading God’s word, martyrdom, labor and sweat, and the Holy Spirit dwelt in them, purified them from all uncleanness, and sanctified them with eternal sanctification. Strive yourself above all for the cleansing of your heart. Create in me a clean heart, O God (Ps 50:12).

How damaged I am by sin! Anything bad, evil, unclean is immediately thought and felt in the heart, but what is good, right, pure, and holy is often only thought and spoken, not felt. Woe is me! Evil is still closer to my heart than good. Moreover, as soon as I think or feel something evil, I am immediately ready to do it, and do it quickly and easily, if I lack the fear of God—but good, to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find (Rom 7:18) strength in myself, and the good deed I planned is often postponed to a long, long time.