The Ordinary Order of Acquiring the Gift of Arousing Grace

It has already been noted that among the various actions of gracious awakenings, there is one particular manner of its action worthy of special attention—the way it acts toward a sinner who has already experienced these awakenings and has fallen back into sin, a decisive fall into his customary mortal sins. The more often these lapses are repeated, the weaker the awakening becomes, because the heart grows accustomed to it, as it were, and it passes into the range of ordinary phenomena of spiritual life. Along with this diminution, it moves from being an energetic feeling, which characterizes it in its present form, increasingly toward becoming a thought, and finally passes into a simple recollection and memory. This recollection is at first accepted with agreement, then merely tolerated, though without displeasure, but coldly, without particular attention; then it becomes burdensome, and one hastens to be rid of it quickly, and finally one feels aversion and repugnance toward it; it is no longer loved but hated, pursued, driven away. Correspondingly, the conviction of the necessity of a better spiritual life falls away; at first this necessity appears merely probable; then it becomes veiled by doubts, in the form of questions about various aspects of one’s state; even further, its uselessness and superfluity becomes more than probable; finally, a decision is made within: “Live as life goes, and so one can live; everything else is unnecessary trouble.” Here a person descends into the depths of evil and neglect—a state similar to that of one who has never once received such an awakening.

It is evident that such a person’s salvation is in extreme danger. Great is God’s mercy, but even it may be powerless to do anything with such a soul, as with soil that has drunk the falling rain many times and remains barren, which has become “cursed, near to burning” (Heb. 6:8). And so it is this consequence of not standing firm in the order of life demanded by gracious awakenings that must especially be impressed upon the memory of those who need it. True, Divine grace is not bound by such measures and definitions in its actions, but it sometimes happens to accord with them. Therefore, although one must not despair of the possibility of conversion and salvation, however weak the summons to return to a good life may be, one must always think with trembling and fear about one’s state under such weakness. Have we not fallen to the last possibility of receiving gracious awakenings? Have we not blocked all the ways for Divine grace to act upon us for our desired salvation? Are these not its final approaches to us, aimed at awakening us and putting an end to the shame of our life? Therefore, as soon as such summons are weak, one must hurry to use them with the utmost firmness of intention, even though it be more rational, and strengthen them as far as freedom allows. It is evident that such effort will be nothing other than opening oneself to the invoked and sought grace, an opening, because in previous falls we more and more hardened ourselves and closed ourselves to grace, now in one way, now in another. It will be accomplished by surrendering oneself to grace by that path which will now be indicated for ascending to the energy of the first awakening, for one must think that the latter will grow together with the reception of one or another object for stirring up the sleeping spiritual movements. Thus, while the first awakened proceeds with all things vigorously, swiftly, fiercely, the latter does the work coldly, slowly, with great difficulty. Grace seems to abandon him to himself, in order to make him feel how precious is unwavering obedience to God calling, and to instill the inclination to value God’s helps. The Lord preserves the desire while not at once granting renunciation, but holds the person in the midst, in anguish, bending him neither this way nor that, in order to test his zeal and form his desire and promise of constancy. Then, having tested him, He releases him.

With these few strokes we aimed to distinguish two manners of the action of God’s grace, of which about one the Lord says: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock” (Rev. 3:20), and about the other: “seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you” (Lk. 11:9). The first manner we have described; with respect to the second, the question lies before us: how to seek and what to knock on?

In extraordinary cases Divine grace shows its action swiftly and decisively, as we see, for example, in the Apostle Paul, Mary of Egypt, and others, but in the ordinary order of conversions it most often happens thus: a person receives only the thought—to change his life and become better in his deeds and inner dispositions. A thought comes—but how much must be added to it so that it might dominate the soul! Most often such good thoughts remain fruitless, not through their own fault, but through the improper attitude toward them of those whose souls they visit.

The first and chief fault in relation to them is that they are left unfulfilled, postponed from day to day. Procrastination is a common disease and the first cause of incorrigibility. Everyone says: “I still have time,” and remains in the old habits of wicked life. So, a good thought of amendment has come—seize it, attend to that for which it was sent to you, and for this purpose first of all drive out procrastination.

1) Drive out procrastination. Do not allow yourself to say: tomorrow or sometime later, I will attend to this, but rather begin the work right now. Take up sound judgment as an instrument and with its help:

Vividly picture to yourself the folly, shame, and danger of procrastination. You say: “later,” but later it will be harder to do this, because you will have grown more accustomed to sin and your sinful circumstances and bonds will have become more entangled. But what sense is there in entangling yourself more and more and holding in mind that even then, afterward, it will be just as easy for you to untangle yourself as it is now? If you recognize that you cannot remain as you are now, what delays you? After all, God can say: “You have become wearisome to me” (cf. Is. 1:14), and you yourself can cross a line beyond which there is no return. And this is such a calamity for avoiding which there is no labor that one could seriously regret. If an honest thought will take care to present all this clearly and vividly, then all the chief actors of the soul will turn away from procrastination, and within there will be no advocate for it. You will see that it acts as an enemy toward you, and you yourself will look upon it with hostility.

We procrastinate because the good thought that has visited us stands within us still only as a thought; it has not yet engaged sympathy, does not move the will. It appears among our other interests as a foreign guest, beckoning from afar, acting without force. To lead it deeper into the soul and show its value and attractiveness—that is your work. Therefore, place it in the foreground, picture to yourself its truth, show yourself the joy and exaltation that it promises, persuade yourself of the ease of its fulfillment. A good thought acts weakly and does not attract the heart because there are other plans in mind, there are objects more interesting, following the direction of influences that have preoccupied you. So call them forth into the middle and compare them impartially. In comparison with what the good thought presents, nothing can stand; everything will be pushed to a distant, far-distant background. What is indicated by the good thought will remain alone and, as the only valuable and beautiful thing, will attract.

We suffer most from procrastination because at this time we allow the energy within us to weaken, we indulge laziness, lethargy, drowsiness, irresolution in thought and in active powers; you can take yourself from this side as well by picturing to yourself, more vividly, how debasing it is to permit this in ordinary affairs, all the more in the most necessary affair of salvation—that in all things one must show oneself alive and active, it is shameful to allow the opposite, shameful to put off to tomorrow what you can and must do today.

Drive out procrastination by such and similar methods. Whoever can do this, only do it. A good thought has come—persuade yourself not to postpone its fulfillment, dispose and compel yourself to begin acting according to its guidance at once. Whoever has put off a task until the following days has nothing further to be proposed to him today.

But we assume that the good thought has been received and has held your attention. Now it is necessary to hurry to bring it to such a measure of arousal that it will be strong enough to become a lever, easily and powerfully setting in motion all that is within us. For this it is necessary to give it scope to penetrate inward, and for this it is necessary to perform, let us say, certain operations upon oneself, as the most necessary and most effective preparation for arousal.

These operations must be opposed to those subtle nets, or that order of dispositions by which a person is held back in sin. Sin entangles the soul with many nets or hides itself from it with many veils, because in itself it is shameful and at first sight could repel. The deepest veil and closest to the heart is composed of self-deception, lack of feeling, and carelessness; above it, closer to the surface, lie distraction and many cares, the chief actors that hide and nourish sin and sinful habits and ways; the very top veil is the dominance of the flesh, a veil more visible than the others, but no less powerful and significant than them.

The first veil is the essential veil. It produces the effect that a person does not see the danger of his condition and does not wish to change it. The last two are merely instruments; by them only is that sinful state manifested and sustained. When Divine grace comes, it, penetrating “to the division of soul and spirit”, strikes directly at the first veil and tears it. Under its action a sinful person suddenly becomes naked and stands before his own consciousness in all his shame. But when a person only himself seeks a gracious awakening, he must begin to act from without and stretch toward the within.

So, if you wish to properly attend to the thought that has seized you regarding the change of wicked life, begin to remove from yourself the sinful veils, as one removes layers of earth to uncover what is hidden there.

First of all, take hold of the body. Deny it pleasures and enjoyments, restrict the satisfaction of even the most natural needs; extend the hour of wakefulness, diminish the usual amount of food, add new labor to your labors. Chiefly, as much as you wish and as you are able, lighten the flesh, thin its heaviness. By this the soul will be freed from attachment to matter, will become mobile, lighter, more receptive to good impressions. Material flesh, prevailing over the soul, imparts its immobility and coldness. Physical ascetic practices weaken these bonds and remove their effects. It is true, not every sinner lives intemperately and indulges the flesh, but one can scarcely find anyone living ordinarily who does not have something to deny the flesh when the desire for salvation has taken hold of the heart. And the goal means a great deal: it changes the nature of one’s actions altogether. What you did before out of habit or for the benefit of your occupations, begin to do now, with certain changes and additions of strictness, for the sake of salvation, and you will tangibly feel the difference.

The body weighs down the soul from without; cares and scattering of thoughts exhaust it within. Let us suppose that the flesh is already subdued—this is the first step; but two barriers separate the soul from itself.

Cares do not leave time to attend to oneself. With them, one task is in hand while tens are in the head. Therefore they drive a person ever forward, not giving him the possibility to look around and examine himself. So, set aside your cares for a time, all of them without exception, set them aside only for a time; afterward you will take up your usual tasks again, only now stop them, cast them from your hands, cast them from your thoughts as well.

But even when the cares of work are stopped, the confusion still remains in the head for a long time: thought after thought, some in agreement, some in opposition; the soul is scattered, the mind wavers in different directions and thereby does not allow anything permanent and firm to settle within. Gather your scattered children into one, as a shepherd gathers his flock or as glass collects scattered rays, and turn them upon yourself.

The desire to deepen yourself and attend to yourself, by cutting off the scattering of thoughts and cares, will require, of course, as an unavoidable means, on the one hand, solitude, and on the other, the cessation of your usual occupations, both worldly and official; and the previously mentioned subduing of the flesh will require a change in the order of satisfying natural needs. Judging by this, the most convenient time for arranging a change in one’s life should be considered a time of fasting, especially the Great Fast. Everything there is arranged for it—both at home and in church, and even in society. Everyone looks at this time as preparation for repentance. However, it does not follow from this that when a good thought about changing one’s life has come, its fulfillment should be postponed until fasting arrives. Everything required for it can be fulfilled at any other time besides fasting. But certainly when the holy fast has come, it is a sin to pass it by without taking care for the salvation of your soul, as one passes by other times. If the saving thought about changing one’s life comes to you not at a time of fasting, and you find obstacles in your circumstances for putting it into practice, then for you it is best to withdraw for a time into some monastery. There you can more easily master yourself.

Now you stand at your heart. Before you is your inner person, plunged in deep sleep of carelessness, lack of feeling, and blindness. Begin to awaken him. The good thought that has come has already troubled him a little. Approach him then with greater confidence and stronger concentration of thought, gathering all your attention, begin to bring upon yourself various representations, more or less strong and striking, while adapting them, however, to your inner state.

First of all, remove from the eyes of your mind the veils that hold it in blindness. If a person does not desist from sin and does not flee from it, it is most because he does not know himself and the danger in which he finds himself because of sin. If his eyes were opened, he would flee from sin as one flees from a house seized by fire. Such blindness comes partly from inattention to oneself: a person does not know himself because he has never examined himself and never thought about himself and his moral state; but most often blindness is maintained by certain definite prejudices regarding oneself. A person himself creates a kind of network of thoughts that systematically closes him off from himself. Let these thoughts be a gossamer net, only the lightest probabilities, but the mind has no time to analyze them clearly; and here the heart speaks so loudly for their reality and truth. These are properly our moral delusions or prejudices arising from the meddling of the heart in matters of reason. This is why one must now join to deep attention a certain sobriety that excludes all flattery of the wicked heart. Let from this moment, if the heart needs to feel something, it feel it under the influence of representations of the mind, not by itself, as if running ahead; otherwise it will again make reason present things in its own way, will again subject it to itself, will again introduce disorder into concepts, and instead of illumination, will plunge into even greater blindness.

Having now placed yourself in such a position, begin to draw forth one by one the different thoughts that hold you in blindness, and subject them to strict and sincere judgment.

“I am a Christian,” you say and find peace in this. Here is the first flattery—transferring to yourself the privileges and promises of Christianity without concern for rooting true Christianity within yourself, or claiming a name for something that can only rest and be sustained by inner power and true worth. Explain to yourself that hope based on name is deceptive, that God can raise children of Abraham from stones, and at any time can cancel His promises when the conditions for sharing in them are not fulfilled. Chiefly, make clear to yourself what it means to be a Christian, compare yourself with this ideal, and you will see how solid a foundation this support of your blindness really is.

“But after all, we are not among the last; we know something, and if we undertake to consider anything, we will know how to consider it, and we conduct our affairs not blindly and not without tact, unlike others.” Thus some people are deceived by their intellectual accomplishments. Others, on the contrary, have bodily perfections staring them in the face—strength, beauty, noble birth. Both are all the more blinded the higher we stand above all in our surrounding circle. Convince yourself:

That natural accomplishments do not have moral worth at all, because they are not our acquisition but are given to us by God; all the more so in Christianity is everything natural without value because of the corruption of nature in the fall. Sanctify your good by faith in Christ the Savior and a life according to this faith, and then look upon it as good.

Again—have you done everything that you can and must do according to your gifts? You are accountable for more because you have been given more. It is not about abilities but about their use. Show what you have acquired with them. Does the gain correspond to the expenditure incurred?

As for bodily or other accidental advantages, there is nothing to say. Saint Chrysostom in one place presents a person who praises another for being handsome, well-formed, rich, having a fine house, riding in finely harnessed horses, and so forth, and then addresses him with such speech: “What, did you tell me nothing about the man himself? Everything you said is not him.”

And do not look at others; let them be by themselves. Each will give an account for himself. Look at yourself and, cutting yourself off from others, judge yourself alone without comparison with others. Or if you really wish to compare yourself with someone, compare yourself with the holy saints. They are the living law of Christianity, or the living model of those who are saved. By them, if you judge yourself, you will not err.

“We are not yet so bad: it seems we do not misbehave, and others look at us not as bad people, do not deprive us of their respect and attention, and moreover not just ordinary people but important ones as well.” The densest darkness of the veil of blindness by the respectability of outward behavior and outward relations! Make clear to yourself, more impressively, that the outward is worthless without the inward. Outward propriety of conduct is leaves; good inner dispositions are fruit. The fig tree promised fruit with its leaves, but the Savior, not finding them on it, cursed it. Such, too, before the face of Him is everyone outwardly correct without a sincerely good and God-fearing heart. “Son, give me your heart,” says the Lord through Wisdom (Prov. 23:26). From the heart come both all good and all evil. What you are in your heart, such you are before the face of the Lord. If you are proud in your heart, then no matter how much you feign humility outwardly, the Lord sees you as proud. So it is with everything else. And the judgment of others is deceptive flattery. Others do not know us and treat us well either by supposing us good or by following the law of propriety. Is it not the case that those around us see evil in us but do not hint at it for their own reasons? Is it not often the case that some, seeing evil in others, praise them for it and thereby stir up a spirit of recklessness in evildoing; and the foolish listener has gone ever deeper and deeper into evil and wickedness, because when a person sees smiles of pleasure in those around him for his deeds, he remains in evil with a certain self-satisfaction? Let us not suffer the same fate if we are so ready to lend our ear only to the judgments others have of us!…

“But suppose there is evil in me—am I the only one like this? So is this one and that one, even and such a one. And how many can be found who are bad, even worse than me…” We blind ourselves with the commonness of sin around us. Make clear to yourself that the multitude of those who sin does not change the law of righteousness and does not free anyone from accountability. God does not look to numbers. Even if all have sinned, He will punish all. The number of people born before the flood was vast, yet all perished except eight souls, and with Sodom and Gomorrah five cities were devoured by fire from heaven, and no one was saved except Lot with his daughters. And in hell the torments will not be lighter because many will be found there tormented; on the contrary, will not the sufferings of each be intensified as well? With such and similar reasonings, hasten to dispel the darkness of prejudicial thoughts that hold you in blindness and prevent you from looking at yourself as you should. Make it your goal in this first work upon yourself to bring yourself to doubt and wavering regarding the safety of your condition. You will reach this naturally when you begin to take away one by one the supports on which our blindness falsely rests, when little by little you will begin to destroy empty hopes in yourself and in anything of your own, when little by little you will begin to smash “the opinion about the forgetting of sins,” that is, the inclination always and in everything to justify yourself. Assure yourself that your Christianity is worthless if you are wicked, that your accomplishments expose you more than they justify you, that your outward propriety is abominable playacting when your heart is not right, that neither the praise of others, nor the breadth of fellowship in wrongdoing will hide you from God’s judgment and wrath. Little by little you will separate yourself in thought and become alone—alone before the eyes of mind and conscience, which will speak powerfully against you, especially after you have compared yourself with what you ought to be in Christ and found that you have fallen far from your prototype. Consequently, if your conscience does not deceive itself before itself, it is natural for you to be afraid for yourself. Cut off, as it were, from all and deprived of all supports, you must be struck by a feeling of hopelessness and fear for yourself. You must bring the mentioned work upon your blindness to precisely this point in every way. The awakening of this feeling is always the vestibule to the flight from sin, as on a battlefield the wavering of enemy ranks is a sign of their coming flight.

As soon as there is thus produced even a slight movement of the feeling of one’s sinfulness and danger in remaining in it, deepen yourself further and with even greater concentration of thought strike yourself with some threatening and sobering representations; shake and soften your unfeeling heart as a heavy hammer softens hard stone.

Remember your last things. Say to yourself: “Alas, soon death.” One person, then another dies around you; your hour will come soon. Do not put far from yourself the hour of death, convince yourself that the Angel of death is already sent, is coming, has drawn near. Or picture yourself as a person with a sword above his head, ready to strike him. Then vividly picture to yourself what will happen to you in death and after death. “Judgment is at the door.” Your secret things will be exposed before the Angels and all the saints. There, before the face of all, you will be alone with your deeds. By them you will either be condemned or justified. And what is heaven, and what is hell?.. In heaven—blessedness that cannot be described; in hell—torment without solace and without end; upon it is the seal of God’s decisive rejection. Receive all this in your feeling and compel yourself to dwell in it until fear and dread fill you.

Then turn to God and place yourself, defiled and burdened with many sins, before His face—He who is present everywhere, all-knowing, all-merciful, long-suffering!.. Will you still insult the eye of God with the vile sight of your sinful self? Will you still turn ungraciously your back toward Him who sustains you in every way? Will you still stop your ears before the fatherly voice mercifully calling you? Will you still turn away the hand stretched out to receive you?.. Receive in your feeling this incongruity and hasten to awaken and strengthen within yourself compassion and sorrow before God.

Remember besides that you are a Christian, redeemed by the Blood of Christ, washed by the water of baptism, having received the Holy Spirit, you are at the Table of the Lord and nourished by His Flesh and Blood. And all this has been trampled by you for the sake of sin, which destroys you!.. Ascend mentally to Golgotha and understand what your sins cost… Will you still wound the head of the Lord with the thorns of your sins? Will you still crucify Him on the cross, pierce His side, and mock His long-suffering? Or do you not know that in sinning you participate in the torment of the Savior and will share the fate of those who torment Him, and if you cast off sin and repent, you will share the power of His death? Choose one of two: either crucify and perish eternally, or be crucified with Him and inherit eternal life with Him.

Consider further what sin is, to which you cling so. It is evil, the most calamitous of all evils; it separates us from God, disorients the soul and body, subjects to the torments of conscience, exposes to God’s punishments in life, in death, and after death, casts into hell, closing paradise forever. What a monster we love!.. Receive in your feeling all that is evil from sin and strive to abhor it and turn away from it.

Finally, look at sin from the side of the devil, its first producer and multiplier, and consider whom you serve through sin. God has done and does everything for you, and you do not wish to please Him; the devil does nothing for you and only tyrannizes you through sin, and you eagerly and tirelessly serve him. You befriend him through sin, while he hates you through it. He entices to sin with the promise of pleasure from it; but he torments and tears at those who fall into sin. Here he suggests that sins are nothing; but there he will present them for your condemnation as important points. He trembles with malicious joy when someone falls into the nets of sin and remains in them. Consider all this and arouse in yourself hostility toward this man-hater and his works.

When thus you will thrust into your heart one after another crushing and softening feelings—now dread and fear, now sorrow and compassion, now aversion and hatred—it will little by little warm and come into motion, and with it will begin to come into motion and strain the weakened will. As currents of electricity impart to a body a certain tenseness and arousal, or as the morning, pure and cool air imparts a certain freshness and mobility, so these feelings, filling the soul, will arouse its sleeping energy, will recreate the impulse and readiness to act for exit from its dangerous position. These will be the first beginnings of active care for its salvation. Hasten then from this moment even more decisively.

2) Drive away the sleep of carelessness. The will has grown weak in good through long remaining in sin—gather around it such thoughts as ordinarily arouse energy: present on the side of good salvation’s efficacy, its exaltation, universality, ease of fulfillment and of removing obstacles, joy ready at this very moment, and chiefly necessity; and on the side of sin—everything opposite to this; discuss this with yourself at length and sincerely until you rouse yourself and bring yourself to a keen tension, ready to take to work immediately. Say to your soul:

It is one of two: either perish eternally if you remain thus, or if you do not wish this, then repent and turn to the Lord and His commandments. And why delay? The further, the worse. Guard yourself, for death is at the door.

How much labor is there? Only begin, only move. The Lord is near, and all help from Him is ready for you.

And what good!.. You will cast off this burden and these chains, you will enter into the freedom of the children of God.

Why do you torment yourself as if you were an enemy? Neither day nor night do you see peace. Everywhere confusion and alarm. Make just one turn within, and all this will disappear; you will see the joy of life.

Look, everyone has already gone to the Lord… and this one converted, and that one, and another. Why do you stand? Go! Are you worse than others?

Everything around you lives and everything calls you to life. God is not the God of the dead but of the living. Join yourself also to those who live His life. Go, drink from the springs of living water.

The energy of a weakened will is always aroused when a person places himself between extremes—either perish or change life. The feeling of self-preservation immediately begins to arouse to action. Then point out how great a good awaits from changing life for the better, how easy it is to do this, and how you are capable of it and called to it, and have all means at hand; how all the good, both on earth and in heaven, will be gladdened, will enter into communion with you, will take you into their arms, and joy will go forth in a common life with all those who live by Christ Jesus our Lord—point out all this, and the weakened will shall arise, the paralyzed knees shall be straightened.

Working thus upon yourself, you will increasingly drive away your blindness, lack of feeling, and carelessness. But work, and work without slackening. There is craftiness in the sinful soul, in that it avoids in every way the labor of working for salvation. Come, take it and carry it; it will not resist—it simply does not wish to labor itself. No one can be master in your inner being except yourself. You yourself enter into yourself and break yourself, strike yourself, teach yourself; you yourself conduct the matter with yourself before the face of God; you yourself persuade and convince yourself. That is why reasoning with oneself, in the matter of conversion, one might say, is the only gateway to it. For if you yourself do not reason with yourself and think things through, who will do it for you? That is why you are told: “Consider this, present this, penetrate into this and that.”

One can judge from this what a great good it is for a sinner if corruption has not yet managed to extinguish in him the light of knowledge of truth altogether. Let his nature be spoiled, let his feelings be unclean, but if sound concepts remain in his soul—there is still something for one to seize hold of who has begun to think about salvation. When even these are lost, when the mind is corrupted too—either falling into doubt, losing conviction, or accepting completely perverted teachings—then there is nothing left for a person to act upon himself; then one must recognize that from head to foot there is no wholeness in him. Rarely, however, do people reach such a state. And those who reach it, if there is a possibility of conversion for them, are converted by extraordinary and striking actions of God’s grace. The greater part of sinners do not lose faith or the pattern of sound words, according to the Apostle; they are only morally corrupted. For such, it is enough to clarify by recollection the darkened concepts and restore the weakened conviction in them—due to negligence and carelessness about every good. Sit down and yourself review everything that you ought to believe, how to live, and what to hope for according to the Creed and the commandments of the Lord. If you have difficulties, review the catechism; if you cannot even do that, speak with someone, better yet with your spiritual father. When you do this, the conquering truth will arise victorious within you—and will begin with power to press down the unrighteousness that has taken hold of you in deeds, dispositions, and feelings. Then it will be easy for your reasoning—both to unmask your blindness and to strike your lack of feeling and to drive away your carelessness.

When so many subjects are indicated upon which you must reason with yourself, it should not be thought that only the learned can fulfill this. Reasoning with oneself about salvation everyone can conduct, even a child. It is not scholarly reasoning. Every truth brought to mind at once suggests what it requires. Only be sincere and awaken a genuine desire for good for yourself, with readiness to follow the indications of truth.

But your reasoning must be conducted in every way so that it is fitted to the goal—to act upon the soul and arouse it. For this:

When you reason, do not intellectualize by posing various questions, but rather, once you have clarified the subject to yourself, turn it toward your heart from that angle which you believe will be most receptive, and contemplate it in that way.

Do not leap swiftly from one thought to another – this will scatter rather than gather, and will have little effect on the soul. The sun would not have warmed a single creature on earth if it raced across the face of it in an instant. Let your measure of reasoning about one thing or another be sympathy. Bring every thought to feeling, and do not depart from it until it penetrates your heart.

If you can, do not leave a thought bare, in purely rational form, but clothe it in some image and carry that image in your mind afterward as a constant awakener. It is best of all if you can concentrate several striking representations in a single image. Thus, to imprint in a sinner’s mind the thought of the danger of his position, Saint Tikhon says: “Above you – the sword of righteousness; beneath you – hell, ready to devour you; ahead – death; behind – a multitude of sins; to your right and left – crowds of malicious enemies: should you be carefree?…” An image is more easily remembered and retained in the mind; it acts more powerfully and touchingly.

Gather brief but powerful sayings suited to your state, and then repeat them to yourself more often mentally or in spoken words. For example: “The ox knows its owner, and the donkey its master’s manger, but you? Or do you not care about the wealth of His goodness and patience?… By your hardness of heart and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath and righteous judgment of God. Watch, for you do not know when the Lord will come. Behold the grave lies before me; behold death stands ready. Where can I go from Your Spirit, and where can I flee from Your presence? – The wages of sin is death. The enemy, like a roaring lion, walks about. Give an account of your stewardship; to whom much has been given, much will be required; the servant who knew his master’s will will be beaten harshly; remember from where you have fallen” and so forth. Gather and memorize such sayings and strike your heart with them. Perhaps some one of them will become a flaming arrow that will pierce and set ablaze.

However, do not remain with reasoning alone, but alternate it with prayer. After all, we are doing the same thing now as when we want to uproot a tree embedded in the ground. We approach and shake it, straining the force of reasoning with ourselves, persuading ourselves, convincing ourselves. We shake it, but cannot pull it out – the roots are embedded deeply. We lack the power for this; we lack the power even to cut through these roots. So seek help!

If during reasoning some feeling falls upon your heart, or some compunction stirs – stand and pray. Pray that God will sanctify your labors over your hardened heart, that He will give some thought of yours the power to destroy and to build, or that He Himself would come and soften it, awaken it, wound it.

In this prayer, pray yourself; speak what is on your soul, and reveal your own vital need confidently in simple, childlike, brief words, or better yet without words, so cast yourself before God in painful turning to Him.

Do not intellectualize, do not compose prayers. Approach in simplicity, with only your need, like the sick to a physician, like the captive to a liberator, like the paralyzed to a healer, with sincere confession of your weakness and powerlessness to overcome yourself, and with surrender of yourself to the all-powerful action of God.

Fall prostrate, make many, many prostrations, strike your breast. And do not depart from prayer while prayer continues to stir. Let prayer cool, then take up reasoning again, and from that again return to prayer.

And for prayer, as for reasoning, gather brief invocations to God and repeat them more often: “Spare Your creation, Master! – God, have mercy on me a sinner! – O Lord, save us! O Lord, grant us success!” Recall the rousing hymns of the Church and sing them: “Behold the Bridegroom comes… I, the wretched one, trembling at the multitude of evil deeds I have done, fear the dreadful day of judgment. My soul, my soul, arise! Why do you sleep?” – and similar ones…

In this way, laboring, knock unceasingly at the doors of God’s mercy.

What do we seek through laboring? The grace of God that awakens. God’s grace is accustomed to choosing certain means for its action upon us, as is said in the description of extraordinary workings of grace. Therefore, apply these means to yourself and walk under their protection and influence. Will not some ray of grace fall upon you as well, just as it fell upon other sinners like you?

God’s grace chose temples of God and church order for its action. Go to church yourself and patiently, attentively, and reverently endure the sacred rites. Both the appearance of the church and its arrangement, and the order of the services, and the singing and reading – all of this can have an effect. And it is no wonder that, having entered the church empty, you may leave it having grasped the spirit of salvation.

Grace worked through the Word of God. Take it for yourself and read it. Perhaps you will encounter such a place that will pierce you, just as it pierced Augustine, to whose eyes it fell when he opened the New Testament.

The hearts of other sinners were softened through conversation with godly people. Go and converse yourself. Word by word in conversation – will not such a word fall on you that will reach even to the division of soul and spirit, judging the thoughts and intentions of the heart? Perhaps a living word, warmed by love, will penetrate to the depths of your heart and shake the strongholds of sin that have formed there.

Prayer of the poor has proven powerful. Go and increase your almsgiving yourself, wipe away the tears of the unfortunate, restore those whom you can if they are in ruin. The prayerful cry of the beggar reaches heaven and passes through the heavens of heavens. Will it not bring to you as well an angel-guide, as it brought to Cornelius the centurion?

Going about in these and similar works, you will be touching vessels and bearers of grace. Perhaps some vivifying dew of it will fall upon you from somewhere, and will revive the frozen sprouts of spiritual life in you.

So, when the thought of correction of your life and character has come, put aside procrastination, distress and ease your flesh through bodily ascetical labors, set aside cares and distractions by temporarily ceasing your usual activities and withdrawing into solitude, and then, gathering yourself inwardly through attention, press yourself through various saving thoughts to dispel blindness, insensibility, and carelessness by means of reasoning with yourself or speaking with your own soul, alternating it with prayer and placing yourself under the influence of such circumstances which divine grace has already chosen as a means for its action upon the souls of sinners.

Labor, strain yourself, seek – and you will find; knock – and it will be opened to you. Do not weaken or despair. But in all this remember that these labors constitute only attempts of effort on our part to draw grace, not the actual work itself which we are seeking. The main thing is lacking – gracious awakening. It is very evident that whether we reason, pray, or do something else, we are, as it were, forcing something foreign into our heart from without. It happens that corresponding to the force of our strain, some effect of these labors descends to a certain depth in the heart, but then rises back out again, because of some elasticity of the disobedient and unaccustomed heart, just as a stick thrown vertically into water springs back out. Immediately after this, coldness and dullness come to the soul again – a clear sign that there was no gracious action here, but only our labor and our effort. Therefore, do not rest content with these works alone and do not rely on them as if they were what you seek. That would be a dangerous delusion! It is equally dangerous to think that in these labors lies merit for which grace must necessarily be sent. Not at all! This is only preparation for receiving; the actual bestowal depends entirely on the will of the Giver. Therefore, in diligent use of all the foresaid means, the seeker should still walk, awaiting God’s visitation, which, however, does not come under observation, and no one knows where it comes from.

When this awakening grace comes, only then will the true inner work of changing life and character begin. Without it, no success can be expected – there will be only unsuccessful attempts. Blessed Augustine is the witness to this, who labored long over himself, but overcame himself only when grace overshadowed him. Labor while waiting, in firm hope. It will come – and will arrange everything.

It is natural then to ask: what is gracious awakening? Into what state does it place a sinful person? And how does that state differ from other similar states? One must know the characteristic marks of awakening in order not to miss it fruitlessly and not to mistake some natural state for it. The state of a soul awakened by grace is determined by contrast to the state of a soul lulled asleep by sin:

Sin separates God and man. A man, departing from God toward sin, does not feel his dependence upon Him; he lives as though he were not God’s and God were not his, like a willful servant who has fled from his master. Now this partition is broken down.

The feeling of dependence upon God returns. A man vividly senses his complete subjection to God and his full responsibility before Him. Before, the heavens were to him like brass and stretched above his head like a thick veil, but now some ray passes through this dark veil and shows him God, the Master and at the same time the Judge. There awakens in him with force a feeling of Divinity, with all His perfections, and stands irresistibly in the soul, filling it entirely. This is the foundation and possibility of future gracious spiritual life.

Before, sin had wrapped a man in blindness, insensibility, carelessness. In the moment of grace’s action, this three-layered hardened scale falls away from the soul bound by it. A man now clearly sees all his own deformity within, and not only sees but also feels it. At the same time he becomes aware of the danger of his position, begins to fear for himself, and to care about his fate. And not only does fear fall into the soul, but with the sense of responsibility before God, fear, anguish, vexation, shame begin to strike his heart powerfully. His conscience torments him.

But at the same time he is given some taste of sweetness in living by God. Feeling all the unworthiness of sinful life and cherishing revulsion toward it as a sea of evil, he at the same time has a foretaste that in the realm of good now opened to his spiritual eye are hidden comfort and solace. It appears to him as a promised land, as the most blessed and safest place from all troubles. This foretaste is precisely such a manifestation in a sinful soul which a man cannot produce by himself. It consists of God’s blessings and is within His power. To think about them is not the same as to feel them. God Himself leads the spirit of a man into His treasure house and gives it to taste from its blessings.

Notice how necessary is this action of God’s goodness on the path of liberating the soul from the realm of sin. The purpose of gracious awakening and its power lie in the fact that it draws man out of the bonds of sin and places him at a point of indifference between good and evil. The scales of our will, in which it inclines now toward one side and now toward the other, must now stand in balance. But this will not happen if the sinner is not given to taste, at least in foretaste, the sweetness of good. If this is not given, then the sweetness of sin, as already experienced, would draw him to it more strongly than good, and the choice would always fall toward the latter, as it does in intentions to change life without gracious awakening. For this is a common law: ignoti nulla cupido – that is, what you do not know, you do not desire. But when, in gracious awakening, he is given to taste the sweetness of good, then it too begins to draw him to itself, as already experienced, known, and felt. The scales are equal. In man’s hands lies full freedom of action.

In this way, like the flash of lightning, everything in man and around him is illuminated at gracious awakening. He is now led by the heart, for one moment, into that order from which sin has expelled him, inserted into the chains of creation into that bond from which he willfully tore himself away by sin. That is why this action of grace is almost always marked by fear and sudden upheaval, like the sudden “stop!” startles one hurrying along in thought. If one looks at this state from psychological concepts, it is nothing other than an awakening of the spirit. Properly speaking, it is the nature of our spirit to sense Divinity and a higher realm or order of things, to elevate man above everything sensory and carry him away into a purely spiritual realm. But in sinful condition our spirit loses its strength and becomes fused with the soul, and through it with the senses, to such a degree that it seems to disappear in them. Now by grace it is drawn out from there, placed, as on a lampstand, in the inner chamber of our being, and shines on all that exists there and is seen from there.

The state into which the soul is placed in gracious awakening resembles many natural states, but should not be confused with them.

In gracious state, a man is in a kind of tormenting, sorrowful state of discontent with himself and his position: however, this is not the same as tedium. In tedium there is no definite object: a man grieves and is sad, not knowing himself why and about what; on the contrary, in gracious awakening there is a definite object of sorrow, namely: the offense to God and defiling of oneself. That is of the soul, this is spiritual; that is tormenting, dark, deadening – which is why they say “Melancholy chokes” – while this enlivens and awakens. In our usual life there are plenty of those undefined longings, each with its own shades. Among them is worthy of special note a longing for the heavenly homeland, a feeling of discontent with everything created, a feeling of spiritual hunger. And this is one of the natural impulses of our spirit. When the passions little by little fall silent, it raises its cry, distinctly echoing in the heart, about the constrained and humiliated state in which it is held, why it is not nourished with what it should be, but is tormented by hunger. This is longing for homeland, a sigh which the Apostle heard in all creation (see: Rom. 8:22). However, this too is not the same as gracious awakening. It is one of the natural impulses or operations of our spirit and one by itself is silent and barren. Gracious awakening descends upon it and imparts to it clarity and life.

In gracious awakening there is shattering of the spirit, awakening of the troubles of conscience; however, this is altogether not the same as the ordinary chagrin at oneself for failings in our life, more or less significant. We are tormented when we misspeak, or do things wrongly, and in general in all cases where, as they say, we bring shame on ourselves; we even say then: “Oh, how shameful!” But this is altogether not the same as the voice of conscience in the spirit, now heard. There a man has in view only himself and his temporal relations, while here, on the contrary, he completely forgets himself and everything temporal and sees only God offended and his eternal relations disordered. There he stands up for himself and human rules, while here – for the will of God and His glory. There he grieves that he has brought shame on himself before people, while here that he has degraded himself before God, and as for people and even the whole world, he cares nothing. Then sorrow is without consolation, while here it is mingled with some comfort. For there his only support is in himself and others, and when this foundation crumbles, he has nowhere to turn, while here everything is from God, by Whom he does not expect to be rejected, but puts his hope in Him. And our ordinary shames imitate the acts of true conscience: one can say they too are acts of conscience, only distorted, brought down from its proper station. Together with the spirit, it too has fallen from its proper height, from the spiritual realm, and has fallen into the hands and power of soul-fleshedness, and has begun to serve only earthly ends, has become, as it were, a worldly conscience, which feels the offense to man more strongly than to God.

In gracious awakening, the heart is given to feel some other, better, more perfect, more consoling life; however, this is altogether not the same as what happens to those who feel an awakening of bright impulses and noblest aspirations (one might call it a movement of ideas). These phenomena are similar in that they elevate above the ordinary order of things and urge toward the realization of what is instilled; but they diverge widely in direction and purpose. The latter point to some vague realm, while the former turns to God, in Him points to rest and gives a foretaste of it. The purpose of the former is life in God with eternal blessedness, while in the latter there is in view something, of course, always great and special, but of which nothing more can be said except “something.” The most striking difference between them is that the latter are interrupted and act singly: the spirit awakens here in one person from one side – in another from another; the former, however, embraces the whole spirit on all sides, and placing it at its goal, satisfies it or gives a foretaste of complete satisfaction in this order. The impulses of higher strivings of the spirit are remnants of the image of God in man – the image broken, and therefore they manifest themselves like broken and scattered rays. One must gather these rays into one, so to speak concentrate them, and then at the focus a ray is formed that ignites. It is this, so to speak, concentration of the rays of the spirit, individual in itself, but broken up in the manifold soul, that awakening grace produces, and it kindles the fire of spiritual life, not placing a man in cold contemplation, but in a kind of vivifying burning. Such a gathering of the spirit into one is found in the feeling of Divinity: there is the germ of life. So also in nature: as long as its forces act in fragmented fashion, there is no life, but as soon as a higher force gathers them into one, immediately a living being appears, for example a plant. So also in the spirit. As long as its strivings break forth in fragmented fashion – now one, now another, and one in one direction and another in another – there is no life in it. When a higher, Divine force of grace, acting at the same time on the spirit, brings all its strivings into one and holds them in this unity – then the fire of spiritual life.

By such signs it is easy to distinguish gracious awakening from ordinary phenomena of spiritual life in man, in order not to confuse them and, most importantly, not to miss using it for one’s salvation. This is especially necessary to know by those upon whom God’s grace acts without their previous labors and not with special force. One cannot let the state of awakening pass unheeded, but one can fail to give it proper attention and, having been in it, descend again into the usual cycle of movements of soul and body. Awakening does not complete the work of a sinner’s conversion, but only begins it, and after it lies labor over oneself, and very complex labor. All that pertains to this, however, is accomplished in two turns of freedom: first in movement toward oneself, and then from oneself toward God. In the first, man recovers the lost power over himself, and in the second, he offers himself as a sacrifice to God – a sacrifice of the complete burning of freedom. In the first he reaches resolution to abandon sin, and in the second, drawing near to God, he vows to belong to Him alone all the days of his life.