Continued on Fasting. Preparation for Confession. An Examination of Life

Let us continue our conversation about the fast observance.

Everything that was said is the frame in which the fast observance is set—the outward order and rule that devout observers customarily follow. Take the trouble to keep to it yourself, if you wish to be a good observer. Only do not assume a gloomy appearance or darken your face. Do everything willingly, with a cheerful and joyful spirit. Spend the time as those spend it who are about to be received at a royal banquet. Such persons think and speak of nothing else but how the banquet will be, how they will meet the king, what to say, how he will receive them, how to dress as well as possible and not disgrace themselves, and so forth. But what lies before you is incomparably better and higher—a banquet not with an earthly, but with the Heavenly King. If you take the trouble to dress yourself and prepare so that you find favor with the King, you will be embraced by Him, will receive that which is beyond all price, and will be gladdened beyond words.

You have said that you will observe the fast in earnest! God bless it! Now please think how to dress yourself properly. All the old garments—away with them; new ones are needed. If any of the old proves serviceable, wash it, press it, and present it in such a state that it looks as if it were entirely new. By this I mean that you must look yourself over: what is bad—acknowledge as bad and discard; what is good—retain, correct, and perfect.

Let us then enter into ourselves and begin to go through what is within us.

The involvement of any outside party in this matter is inappropriate and quite impossible. No one can enter into you and examine the matters of your conscience except yourself. Please do this yourself. I will offer you only a few guiding indications. And in those books I pointed out for your reading there is much instructive guidance about this as well. But I will say something more.

In order to examine yourself well, you must direct your attention to three aspects of our active life: deeds—individual actions performed at such and such a time, in such and such a place, and under such and such circumstances; the dispositions of the heart and characteristic inclinations that lie concealed beneath those deeds; and the general spirit of one’s life.

Our whole life consists of an unbroken series of acts—thoughts, words, deeds—each succeeding and pressing upon the other. To review all such acts, each one separately, and to determine their moral worth is entirely impossible. Even if you were to try to reckon and judge the acts committed in a single day, you would not succeed. Man is a being in perpetual motion. How much does he think and do from morning until evening! How much does he do from confession to confession! What is one to do, then? There is no need at all to go through everything and judge each act separately. We have a watchman who never sleeps—the conscience. Whatever has been done badly, it will never let pass; and no matter how you try to tell it that this is nothing and that will be overlooked, it will not cease declaring its own verdict: what is bad, is bad. And so here is your first task: listen to the conscience and all the deeds it accuses—acknowledge them as sinful without any excuses, and prepare to confess them.

This might be called the first and the last matter—that is, to acknowledge without defense that you are inexcusably guilty in what the conscience accuses, resolving henceforth to avoid it—and this would be sufficient, if one could be certain that the conscience itself is altogether in good order. But it happens that the conscience does not notice certain things due to some confusion, forgets others by reason of their distance in time, and may perhaps not even count certain things as sins through ignorance or incomplete knowledge of our duties. This is precisely where, to assist the conscience, one must turn to the commandments of God as set out in the word of God, and reviewing them, inquire carefully whether anything has been done contrary to one commandment or another. In doing this, much that was forgotten will be recalled, and much that was remembered will appear in a different light from how we had thought of it.

The word of God is compared to a mirror. Just as anyone who looks into a mirror sees where any spot or speck of dust appears on the face or clothing, so the soul, reading the word of God and examining the commandments enumerated there, cannot fail to see whether it is faithful to those commandments or not: the conscience, illumined in this way by the word of the living God, will tell it this at once, without partiality. And so here is your second task. Go through the commandments and see whether you have fulfilled them or not. For example: the commandment orders us to give alms whenever someone asks for it. And see whether you have always done this or not: whether you have sometimes refused, not for any good reason, but simply out of contempt for the poor person. If this proves to be the case, note it: a sin. The commandment says: forgive everyone everything, even what is unpleasant and offensive. And see whether you were always yielding, whether there were no arguments, sharp words, or even quarrels. If you recall that there were, note it yet again: a sin—even though the conscience usually makes nothing of such things. Again: one must place all one’s hope in God. Was it always so with you? In the ordinary flow of events this is not noticed, but when a need arises, it immediately comes to light—one immediately sees on what the soul leans: on God, or on something else, forgetting God. It is certain that all one’s own means must also be used to extricate oneself from difficult circumstances, since these too are from God—but the final outcome must be hoped for from God alone, and therefore one must turn to Him in prayer for help, and when the matter is resolved, thank Him as the one Deliverer, making no mention of one’s own means. See now whether you have acted in this way. If not, note it: a sin. Proceed thus with each commandment and note in what deeds you have transgressed against which commandment. In this way you will examine your deeds more thoroughly.

But how is this most conveniently done? Did you study the catechism? There, each commandment is expounded and it is shown what good deeds each commandment lays upon us and what sins it forbids. Take it and with its help review your deeds. I believe there is in your home a little book on how to hear confession and confess, by His Grace Platon of Kostroma. There, the questions to be posed to those confessing are enumerated very thoroughly. It may be still more convenient for you to review yourself with its help.

I expect that this is the first time you are intending to attend to yourself properly and to determine what you are and what is within you. Take the trouble, then, to examine yourself carefully according to these indications. Afterward, on other occasions, this task will no longer seem so involved to you. For now, take the trouble.

What still remains for you to do after this I will describe next time.