Continued. Examination of the Heart’s Dispositions. Determining the Dominant Character, or Spirit, of One’s Life

I continue. The second aspect of life: dispositions, or the moods and inclinations of the heart. Deeds do not yet give complete self-knowledge. One must enter more deeply into oneself and examine what the heart is like—and this deserves more attention than the deeds. It may happen, for instance, that one person proves uncharitable—fails to help another—by chance, even though the heart is merciful. But another person likewise fails to give, not by chance, but because he is afflicted with miserliness. To outward appearance the two deeds are the same, but in the inward disposition of those acting there is a great difference between them. Deeds are individual actions performed at this hour and in this place, while dispositions indicate the constant inclinations of the heart by which a person’s character and temperament are defined, and from which issue his prevailing desires and the direction of his deeds. The good ones among them are called virtues, while the bad ones are called vices, corrupt tendencies, and passions.

What dispositions of heart a Christian should have is indicated by the words of Christ the Savior concerning the beatitudes (Matt. 5:3–12): namely, humility, contrition, meekness, love of justice and truth, mercifulness, purity of heart, love of peace, and patience. The holy Apostle Paul points to the following Christian good dispositions of heart, as fruits of the Holy Spirit: ”love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control” (Gal. 5:22–23). In another place: ”Put on, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if any man has a complaint against another: even as Christ forgave you, so also do you. And above all these things [put on] love, which is the bond of perfection: and let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you are called in one body: and be thankful” (Col. 3:12–15). The dispositions opposite to these are vices or passions—the sources of all bad deeds that destroy us. The chief among them are: pride, vainglory, self-interest, intemperance, anger, hatred, envy, sloth, passion for sensual pleasure, despondency, despair. Of these the Apostle decreed that Christians must not only not possess them, but that there should not even be any mention of them among them: ”let it not even be named among you” (Eph. 5:3).

You see how strict! So please look carefully to see whether there are any bad inclinations or passions. Each one of them is present to some degree in everyone, but they are not deep or constant. Yet everyone has one chief passion around which all the others cluster. It is this chief passion that you must above all take care to identify. Even if it is not yet fully manifest, given your youth, its traces must in any case be palpable if you look carefully. Having identified it, then arrange the others—which is closer to it, which farther. And you will understand the structure of your heart. A most precious acquisition! For when you then resolve to cleanse yourself of the passions and bad inclinations, you will see clearly where to direct your efforts and blows—namely, at your chief passion. When you overcome it, all the others will scatter of themselves: as in war, when the main forces of the enemy are defeated, the rest need only be pursued and finished off without difficulty. Deeds are easy to correct—simply do not do them, and that is all. But to break and reform the heart cannot be done quickly. A struggle lies ahead. And in a struggle, if you do not know where to direct your blows, you can exhaust yourself thrashing about to no purpose—and gain no success at all. Take the trouble, then!

The third aspect of life is the spirit of one’s life. This is the most important thing, and at the same time the most elusive. The bad spirit is so cunning, and so skilled at disguising itself under the guise of goodness and propriety, that one needs the sharpest spiritual sight to detect it. The good spirit, by contrast, is clear, for it is one and singular—namely, to live for God, having laid aside all else. The spirit opposite to it is to live for oneself—egoism. This spirit very often, if not always, takes on an indirect direction: to live for the world.

So then, if we take it that to live for someone defines the spirit of one’s life, it will not be difficult for you to define the spirit of your own life by determining for whom you live—or, since you are only just beginning to live, for whom you most desire to live, what your heart strains toward, to whom you are most inclined to dedicate your life. According to what you lean toward most, determine also the spirit of your life—even if it is only in its beginning, or like a young, fledgling bird. Whoever lives for God has a God-fearing spirit, one that strives to please God alone. Whoever lives only for self has a self-pleasing, egoistic, self-interested—or carnal—spirit of life. Whoever lives for the world has a worldly, or vain spirit. By these marks see what spirit breathes within you.

Judging by the way you have thrown yourself with desire toward drawing near to God, one must suppose that your chief spirit is good—the true spirit, as it ought to be. Judging again by the fact that you received the worldly way of life—in which the spirit of the world reigns—so unfavorably, one must suppose that this spirit has no place or power in you, though it can still overwhelm you if you are not careful. What remains in question is whether there is an egoistic spirit. It seems to me there is, though I do not know to what degree. Let it be so—yet since you have thrown yourself with desire toward drawing near to God, while your soul does not incline toward the world, your egoistic spirit will soon evaporate, if you give your heart freedom to burn more and more with desire for God. Please take this into consideration.

So you see what lies before you to do—and do it. At first glance it seems an enormous undertaking, but in essence it is simple and easy. Having prayed to God, set about it, and you can determine everything in a single evening. There is no need to go across the sea—simply examine what is within you. Do not, however, put this off until the evening after which confession follows. No, begin it now, from the very start of the fast observance. Gradually you will come to know everything more thoroughly and distinctly. It may be difficult only this one time. But if afterward you begin to live according to the pull of your good spirit, life itself will bring you to even fuller self-knowledge. For why, for the most part, do we not know ourselves? Because we live carelessly, with our sleeves rolled down.

Suppose you have examined yourself well and found many faults in yourself on all sides. What then? What use should be made of this knowledge? I will write to you about this next time.