Particular Rules by State of Life: Wives and Husbands (Ephesians 5:20–26)

Eph. 5:20. Giving thanks always and for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Psalms, hymns, and odes presuppose primarily the praise of God—the depiction of the infinite perfections of God worshiped in the Trinity, and of His immeasurable works of creation, providence, redemption, and the awaited consummation of all things. But enter into the contemplation of all this, and you will see that the chief object of God’s care was, is, and shall be mankind—placed high in creation, fallen deeply in the fall, and raised exceedingly high in the restoration; that this blessing of restoration is already at work, and that those who sing have already been made partakers of it—not merely called to it, but already tasting its fruits. From this thanksgiving arises of itself—thanksgiving in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has saved all and saves each one; thanksgiving to God the Father, to whom by the economy of salvation we are adopted—not in name only, but in substance, becoming one with the Lord and being reborn by the grace of the Holy Spirit.

Thanksgiving is so essential in the turning of prayer toward God that without it one cannot even approach this undertaking. For everything in us is God’s—even this very mind that turns to Him, and even the very boldness of turning to Him; everything in us is God’s—and our entire lot, both temporal and eternal, is in His right hand. Everything has been prepared by Him for us, and everything has been so arranged and adapted that every person has within his power the possibility of attaining eternal blessedness in Him. The perception of all this in particular by each person in relation to himself naturally places him in a state of thanksgiving that cannot be fully expressed. True thanksgiving is a grateful astonishment at the boundless goodness of God. Much impedes the growth of thankfulness—the failure to understand how all the contingencies of life serve our eternal good, especially unpleasant ones. To perceive this seems to be granted to no one. Living faith acknowledges that this is so, and disposes one to give thanks for all things. By everything that happens to us, God is ordering our salvation. So it is, even though it is not visible how. Holy Chrysostom, in illustration of this, says: I will bring you into a carpenter’s workshop. What will you see? — He cuts, he chisels, he planes. And what all of this is for, you do not see. Yet you do not say that he does all this without purpose; you assume that out of parts scattered about in disorder something useful will emerge—a table, a chair, a box. And so it turns out. Believe, then, that God too wishes to make something fitting for His Kingdom out of you. And so, when you find yourself in situations resembling planing, chiseling, and sawing, believe that all of it is necessary in order for something to come of you, and in accordance with that faith—bear it with good cheer and give thanks.

2. Particular rules of Christian life according to one’s station (Eph. 5:21–33; 6:1–9)

Holy Paul takes into consideration only the relations of members of a household, and determines the Christian mode of conduct for each class of them. Perhaps this is so because the Ephesians who constituted the Church stood in no other relations; or perhaps because these relations are the chief ones among people, and one cannot find anyone who does not stand in them in some capacity; or also because one who is proper here will be proper everywhere. First the Apostle determines the relations of the principal members upon whom the household itself rests—husband and wife — Eph. 5:22–33; then—of children and parents — Eph. 6:1–4; and finally—of servants and masters — Eph. 6:5–9. Since this whole household bond is held together by the submission of some to others, he places the lesson of submission at the head — Eph. 5:21; and thereafter applies it to those members of the household who are especially bound to practise it, namely: wives—“wives, be subject to your husbands” — Eph. 5:22; children—“children, obey your parents” — Eph. 6:1; servants—“servants, obey your masters” — Eph. 6:5. After the lessons for these members, he indicates the mode of conduct of the corresponding persons who hold the pre-eminent dignity of husbands — Eph. 5:25, fathers — Eph. 6:4, and masters — Eph. 6:9. It might seem that on the part of these latter not submission is rendered but authority exercised; but when they are commanded to attend with love to the needs of the corresponding subordinates and to arrange their well-being in every way, this says without words the same thing that the Lord said: let the greater be everyone’s servant (blessed Jerome). And the Apostle depicts the mode of service of the greater to the lesser within the household, characterizing their authority as a capacity for the broader doing of good. The Apostle Paul also touches upon the mutual obligations of household members in other epistles. In the Epistle to the Ephesians the distinctive feature is that the significance of the marital union is here more essentially defined. Nowhere else is it placed so high, and nowhere else is its dignity so deeply contemplated, as here, where the ideal of this union is pointed to in the union of the Lord Jesus Christ with the Church.

A) The principal lesson of mutual submission

Eph. 5:21. Submitting to one another in the fear of God.

Grammatically this text is connected to what precedes, but in content—to what follows. There is nothing surprising in this, for such transitions are not foreign to holy Paul. “Submitting” stands in a series with “giving thanks, singing, speaking.” But these latter are in connection with “be filled with the Spirit,” whereas “submitting” cannot be placed in connection with this. Holy Paul placed this word in a row with the others at the transition to the lessons that follow. We should receive these words as though it were said: “submit to ‘one another in’ the ‘fear’ of ‘God.’”

This lesson concerns not only the members of a household, though their relations flow from it; it encompasses all Christians. Let each one submit to another—that is, never insist on one’s own way, but bend one’s will under the will of another. Accordingly, having no will of one’s own is the foundational law in the mutual relations of Christians. The Apostle places no restriction on this law; unless one takes in this sense the words: “in” the “fear” of “God.” This means: not out of desire to please others, not in hope of some advantage, not for any other external considerations, but out of the “fear” of “God” alone—out of the certainty that it is God’s will, not in a general sense only, but in each particular case. In order to have such certainty, one must see in each case that the desire or demand of another, before which our will is to bow, will—if it is satisfied—bring him genuine benefit, temporal or eternal. Submission under this condition will flow from the Christian duty of self-denial and love, which is commanded to extend to the laying down of one’s soul for a brother. The binding force of these obligations rests upon the fear of God. How to fulfil this commandment of mutual submission perfectly amid the most varied combinations and entanglements of circumstances—therein lies Christian wisdom. This much is beyond doubt: he who sacrifices himself and what is his for others is never the loser, if he does all in the fear of God. For there is an All-seeing Eye, and a cup of water will not go without its reward in due time—the needful time for each one.

Holy Chrysostom says: “If you submit out of subjection, out of money, or out of shame, all the more (submit) out of the fear of God. Let not one occupy the place of a free person and another that of a slave; but let yours be a society of friends serving one another, where there is no anger, no vexation, no irritation, where all act by free choice and out of love for one another. Serve all as masters, and soon you will have them as servants. You will gain them even more if, receiving nothing from them, you give them your own. ‘Submitting to one another in the fear of Christ’ means that we should bridle all the passions, serve God, cherish love for one another—and then we shall be worthy of God’s loving-kindness” (abridged).

B) Application of this principle to the members of a household

Eph. 5:22. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

He begins with the marital union, showing special solicitude for it, as holy Chrysostom observes. “And this is not without purpose, because if marital relations are in order, the children are also well brought up, the servants are well-behaved, and the neighbors, and friends, and kinsmen (rejoice)—all are pleased by their happiness, as by a certain fragrance. But where the opposite prevails, there is disorder and confusion in everything.” He began with wives either because “submit” applies more directly to them, or perhaps to show the high significance of the wife in family life. For as soon as she is in order, everything in the house is in order. The force of the Apostle’s speech lies not in pointing to the duty of submission—for this was already observed everywhere without him—but to the spirit in which this submission ought to be rendered, namely: “submit, as to the Lord.” A wife’s submission to her husband in Christianity takes on a higher character, as being one that flows from the fear of God and is equated with acts of pleasing God, as though rendered directly to the Lord Himself. She submits to her husband in the assurance that the Lord receives such submission as though it were rendered directly to Him; or she submits to him, not as to one who is stronger and dominant by the order of nature, but as to a representative of the Lord. Holy Chrysostom says: “Having said: ‘submit, as to the Lord’—the Apostle means either the following: as those who know that you are serving the Lord, as he says elsewhere, that they should submit if not for the sake of their husbands, then above all for the sake of ‘the Lord’ (Col. 3:18); or: if you submit to your husband, think that you are submitting as one serving the Lord. For if he who resists even the external civil authorities resists ‘the ordinance of God’ (Rom. 13:2), so much more does she who does not submit to her husband. God has required this from the beginning.”

Eph. 5:23. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the Church; and He is the Saviour of the body.

“The husband is the head.” It seems that holy Paul wished by this to remind his readers that the ancient decree—“your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you” (Gen. 3:16)—has not lost its force in Christianity either; only here the husband is presented as the greater, not as the bearer of predominant authority, but as the all-round guardian and protector of the wife, and only in this sense—not in any other—as her head, to whom she, as the body, must turn. The husband, according to the Apostle, stands in the marital union in the same relation to the wife as Christ to the Church in the order of grace, or according to the economy of salvation. The husband is compared with Christ, the wife with the Church. The point of comparison is headship: the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is head of the Church. But the Apostle writes not of what is, but of what ought to be. Therefore in his words one must see this thought: the husband is the head of the wife in the same sense in which Christ is head of the Church. But Christ is head of the Church as the Saviour of this, His body. Then let the husband too be the head of the wife by virtue of his being her saviour. And let this be for the husband the basis of his headship, and for the wife—the motive for her submission. Having said: the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is of the Church, the Apostle had only to draw the conclusion: therefore let wives be subject in everything to their husbands as the Church is to Christ—which is what he does in the following verse. But he deliberately added the clause in which he indicates why Christ is the head of the Church, in order to give the husband’s headship a Christian foundation and the wife’s submission a most moral motive—namely: “He is the Saviour of the body.”

Christ is the head of the Church because He is the Saviour of this, His body. He became head through the salvation of the saved, and the saved became members of Him through salvation. In placing the headship of the husband over the wife on a level with the headship of Christ over the Church as her Saviour—does this not indicate that the husband ought to show himself the saviour of the wife, so that the wife may see in him her saviour, and on that feeling that he is her defender, keeper, and shelter, and that she is under his protection as under a mountain, she ought to maintain and enliven her submission to him? Theophylact writes: “As Christ, being the head of the Church, cares for it and saves it, so too the husband is the saviour of the wife, his body. How then should this body not submit to the head that cares for it and saves it?” “In this way,” says holy Chrysostom, “he proposed to both husband and wife, as the foundation of their happiness, mutual love and care, pointing each of them to what is fitting for each—the one to authority and solicitude, the other to submission.” The same thought is in blessed Theodoret: “Most wisely did the divine Apostle propose this example. For it is sufficient both to instil respect for their husbands in wives and to place tender love for their wives in husbands.”

Eph. 5:24. But as the Church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

This text is plain in itself both in content and in the way it stands here. It is a direct inference from what precedes and presents nothing new that was not said above. Our commentators say almost nothing on it. Only blessed Theophylact addresses the question: “How is one to submit in everything? Must one even submit when he strays into unbelief and begins to draw her toward the same? — But,” he says, “the Apostle’s word here is not about unbelieving husbands, but about believing ones. Christ, the head of the Church, is God; He gathers and leads His Church to eternal glory. This she knows, and without wavering submits to Him in everything He is pleased to do in her and with her in her inner ordering and external lot. But in the case of a man, doubt is always appropriate, and therefore so is a limitation upon this ‘in everything.’ This, moreover, is very strongly limited in the Apostle’s own speech by the words: ‘as to the Lord,’ which also convey this thought: in the purposes and aims of the Lord, as is said in the Epistle to the Colossians: ‘as is fitting in the Lord’ (Col. 3:18), and still more by the comparison of the husband’s headship with the headship of the Lord, which flows from salvation. What kind of saviour is a husband if he saves the body only on condition of destroying the soul?!”

Another observation is made by blessed Jerome—concerning the sanctity of married life. “If the wife is to submit to her husband as the Church to Christ, then the bond between husband and wife must be holy, and they must never serve the passions of the flesh.” The same thought is in holy Damascene: “The Apostle obliges the wife to submit to her husband after the manner of the Church’s submission to Christ, in order that this submission may be not of a carnal but of a spiritual character.”

Eph. 5:25. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for her.

Having given wives a commandment and an example of submission, he now gives husbands a commandment and an example of love—in the love of Christ the Saviour for the Church. In the marital union the chief duty of the wife is to submit to the husband; the chief duty of the husband is to love the wife. But just as in the husband the duty of heeding the reasonable counsels and wishes of the wife is not excluded, so in the wife—the duty of loving the husband. Everything between them must be mutual. Holy Paul, in setting forth the relations pleasing to God, insists especially on what is more likely to be violated by either side. That the wife loves—of this there is no need to speak, but she is more likely to forget herself. That the husband loves to subordinate the wife to himself—this happens of its own accord, but he may carry it further than is proper. The holy Apostle guards against these possible deviations on both sides. The wife must above all maintain submission to her husband, because a wife’s attempt to take the upper hand disrupts family peace. The husband must above all love his wife, because selfishness on his part makes the prosperity and sweetness of family life impossible.

If one compares upon whom the Apostle lays the heavier burden, it will prove to be upon the husband. Having accepted in all its strictness that wives, after the manner of the Church’s submission to Christ the Lord, must be subject to their husbands in everything, one must accept in equal strictness the love that is obligatory for husbands—in the measure of Christ the Lord’s love for the Church. But the Lord gave Himself for the Church; consequently, husbands must extend their love for their wives to the point of readiness to sacrifice their very lives for them. Where love truly exists, this comes about of itself. But justice too demands it: for if one takes submission in its full force, one sees that it is a continuous dying—a cutting off of one’s own desires and reasoning. It is only just that, for such a prolonged death on the part of the wife, the husband should, when need arises, die but once.

Holy Chrysostom understands the husband’s love for his wife in this full force. Turning to the husband, he says: “You have heard of great obedience, you are pleased with Paul, who as some wonderful and spiritual teacher teaches us the order of life. Very well! But hear also what he requires of you—he brings forward the same example further: ‘Husbands,’ he says, ‘love your wives, as Christ also loved the Church.’ Have you seen the measure of submission? — Listen then also to the measure of love. Do you want your wife to submit to you as the Church submits to Christ? — Then take care of her yourself as Christ cares for the Church. Though it should be necessary to sacrifice your life for her, or to endure and suffer whatever it might be, do not refuse; and though you have endured all this, do not think that you have done anything comparable to what Christ did. Know how to make her submissive to you by your great care for her, by love, by friendship. There are no bonds stronger than these, especially for husband and wife. A servant can sometimes be bound by fear; but the companion of one’s life, the mother of one’s children, and the source of all family joys must be bound to oneself not by fear and threats, but by love and affection. What kind of marriage is it where the wife trembles before the husband? What pleasure can a husband enjoy who lives with his wife as with a slave and not as with a free woman? If it should happen that you suffer something on her account, do not complain—Christ did not do so.”

Eph. 5:26, 27. That He might sanctify her, having cleansed her with the washing of water by the word; that He might present her to Himself a glorious Church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

When mentioning these salvific acts of the economy of our salvation, the holy Apostle Paul does not do so in order to expound them—he does that elsewhere; but his soul was always full of the contemplation of these mysteries, and he could not let pass any occasion that presented itself without touching on them. He wished to weave them through every order of life, so that, in whatever combinations of relationships life might flow, it would not draw one away from contemplating them but would rather quicken and sustain that contemplation. In this regard one may suppose that the Apostle’s intention was to carry further the parallel of a Christian husband’s obligatory duties to his wife, drawn from the relation of Christ the Lord to the Church.

The very content of these verses is clear. The Lord gave Himself for the Church, graciously bearing death on the cross. He gave Himself in this way so that He might sanctify the Church—that is, all believers, through the sanctification of each individual Christian. How? “Having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word”—that is, through holy baptism, in which, with the threefold immersion in water, the words are pronounced: “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” These are the visible actions of holy baptism. Invisibly, however, the one being baptized is plunged into the death of Christ, receives the forgiveness of sins, and dies entirely to a sinful life; then, rising up out of the water, he partakes of the power of Christ’s resurrection and is reborn to a new, spiritual, holy life. The baptized person is pure and holy, not merely in name but in very truth. This happens to each individual, and consequently to all who draw near to the Lord, to the whole Church. The entire Church is holy, having passed through the cleansing and sanctifying bath of regeneration. “That He might present her to Himself.” These words show why it has been so ordained that all must pass through the font of baptism. For this reason, the Apostle says, the Lord acts in this way: to present the Church before Himself—that is, all believers—glorious, adorned with inner perfections, lacking any deficiency, pure and without blemish. A bride to be presented to her bridegroom, and even more so to be led to the altar, is washed, cleaned, and adorned in every way. This is precisely what Christ the Lord does with the Church. Having purposed to be united with her, He adorns her with every virtue. For it is not fitting that anything should be united with what is most pure and perfect while remaining in impurity and with defects. In the words “that she might be holy and without blemish,” one may see an indication of the continuation of the sanctification received in baptism throughout one’s whole life. There, everything old and disfigured dies and everything new and pure is given, so that one may be able to be united with Christ; and then, having been vouchsafed this great blessing, to preserve oneself in holiness and blamelessness throughout life, so as to preserve that union with Christ.

Such is the relationship of the Church to Christ. The Apostle Paul does not draw the parallel of a husband’s similar relationship to his wife, leaving that for each reader to make. His chief aim—to dispose a husband toward every loving solicitude for his wife—is achieved even by this simple reference. Our commentators develop this parallel at length. Blessed Jerome mentions that certain heretics abused this passage, attempting to prove that marriage in the ordinary sense is not permissible for Christians. “To such persons,” he says, “one must give a brief answer: what the Apostle forbids here is passions, impurity, and sensual lust—not the holy union. The begetting of children within the marriage bond is permitted, whereas desire of the sort found in fornication is condemned in spouses. Let every husband and wife, reading this, understand that after conception they ought to exercise themselves more in prayer than in marital pleasures. In animals this is fulfilled by the law of nature, but in Christians the same must be a work of freedom, so that self-restraint may have moral worth and deserve a reward.”

Blessed Theodoret sees in this passage a call to general solicitude for one’s wife. “Imitate the Lord’s solicitude, and show toward those who dwell with you in marriage the same care that the Lord showed toward the Church. For Christ the Lord did not refuse to die for His Bride, so that He might cleanse her, make her glorious, wipe away the marks of her former age, and present her free from every blemish. Therefore we too must have the same love for our spouses and care for them as for our own bodies.”

“The holy Chrysostom urges a husband to attend above all to the moral character of his wife, both in choosing her and throughout life together. ‘That He might sanctify her, having cleansed her.’ This means she was unclean; it means there were filthy stains upon her; it means she was disfigured and of no worth. Yet whatever wife you may take, your bride will not be as the Church was when Christ found her; she will not differ from you as much as the Church differed from Christ. And yet He was not revolted by her, nor did He hate her for her extreme ugliness. Do you want to know how ugly she was? Listen to what the holy Paul says: ‘For you were once darkness’ (Eph. 5:8). Do you see her blackness? What is blacker than darkness? What more can be said? She was also foolish and blasphemous. Yet notwithstanding all these faults, He gave Himself for the ugly one as for a beautiful one, as for a beloved, as for one worthy of wondrous praise. And having received her in that state, He adorns and washes her, and does not refuse this work. And not only did He adorn her, but He also made her glorious, having no spot or blemish or anything of that kind. Do not demand from your wife what she does not have. You see that the Church received everything from the Lord? Through Him she became glorious; through Him she became blameless. Do not therefore turn away from your wife because of her unattractiveness. She is God’s creation; it is not her you are reproaching but the One who made her. What fault is the wife’s? Do not praise her for beauty either. Such praise and such hatred, and even the most passionate love, are characteristic of depraved souls. Seek beauty of soul; imitate the Bridegroom of the Church. Bodily beauty produces great insolence and much that is unreasonable; it stirs up jealousy and often gives rise to suspicion of shameful conduct. But it gives you pleasure, you say? For a month or two, and at most a year; but after that, not at all—on the contrary, the wonder of it quickly loses its charm through habit. And what is bad in it remains forever: blindness, folly, pride. But in the pleasure given by a different kind of beauty there is nothing of the sort; there the love that began in the right way remains constant, as love for beauty of soul rather than of body. Let us therefore seek in a wife prudence, moderation, and gentleness; these are the marks of true beauty. But let us not seek bodily beauty, and let us not reproach her much for what does not depend on her—or rather, let us not reproach her at all, for that is characteristic of insolence—and let us not be grieved or indignant. Do you not see how many there are who have lived with beautiful wives and yet ended their lives miserably? And on the contrary, how many there are who had wives of no great comeliness, yet lived to ripe old age in complete prosperity? Let us destroy the inner defilement, cleanse the inner defects, and blot out the stains of the soul. God desires such beauty. Let us make her (our wife) beautiful for God, not for ourselves. Let us not seek money or outward nobility, but nobility of soul. Who, tell me, would neglect what is more important and busy himself with what is trivial? But alas, we always act in this way. If we have a son, we do not strive that he be virtuous but only to find him a wealthy wife; not that he be well-mannered, but that he be rich. And if we plan a way of life, we likewise do not concern ourselves with how to live without sin, but with how to gain more profit. Money has come to mean everything. This is why everything has gone to ruin—because we are possessed by this passion.”