The Sinner’s Penitential Feelings: His Grieving Over His Bitter State (Vv. 9–11)

But the perception of one’s bitter state in sin is not yet repentance, and not so valuable as to draw down mercy. It gains value when to it is joined sorrowful feeling about sins and the groaning of the repenting heart. Therefore, having depicted to what sin leads,

the holy Prophet now shows how one ought to grieve about it.

Ps. 37:9. I have been troubled and greatly humiliated; I have cried out with the groaning of my heart.

He saw that something was wrong in him, but did not suspect why. Now the prophet Nathan opened his eyes. St. David now says: and so, when this was revealed before my eyes, I could not refrain from surrendering myself to feelings of grief and sorrow about my sins.

«I have been troubled»—from the Greek: became enraged, became vexed. At what—at his own evil will, at his own foolishness. How could he allow himself such degradation?! «I have been humiliated»—I have abased myself, counted myself worthless, foolish, an empty man, whereas before there was no measure to my self-assurance. «I have cried out with groaning.» The heart overflowed with feelings of repentance, shame, fear, regret—both that he offended God and that he abased himself and that he has come into such a state where everything is bad and hopeless—and it burst forth with groanings, which from inward tearing changed into roarings like a lion.

«It is shameful to me, a man endowed with reason, to be subject to such beastly movements. For this reason I groan because of the cruel torments of conscience and cannot restrain my groanings from the tormenting sicknesses of my heart.» (Irenaeus, Theodoret, Athanasius).

How sincere this was is evident from the fact that after the rebuker departed, he, having poured ashes upon his head, gave himself over to lamentation, longing, thirsting, lying upon the earth, and imposing upon himself like penances of this kind (Zigabenus).

Ps. 37:10. O Lord, before You is all my longing, and my groaning is not hidden from You.

Sorrowful feelings about sins alone are deadly when beneath them the energy of active powers does not develop to emerge from the bitter state. The beginning of this awakening of powers is good desire, in the hope that achieving it is not impossible. St. David mentions here that after such crushing feelings of repentance, good desires were being born in him. He does not say what they were; but certainly they were all such as were appropriate to his state, to him who had come to awareness of his utter sinfulness and was grieving about it—namely the desire to cease from sin and speedily change his life and amend, and the desire for a pure, conscientious, and God-fearing life, for which he now sighs as for a lost paradise. But all of this is of little value so long as man remains alone with himself, grieves shut up within himself, and sighs by himself about what is better. In this case his hope of achieving better cannot be strong, and from this the very desires for better cannot but be weakened. Both gain strength and firmness as soon as they are raised to God, as sacrifice and prayer. Then blessing flows from above and awakens the inward deadness. And this is what the holy Singer now does.

«O Lord, before You is all my longing.» You know all: there is no need to tell and enumerate. To You, better than I know myself, all is known—my sins, passions, disorder, as well as my desire to be freed from sins, to be healed of the wounds of conscience, to lighten my sick heart. I call upon God Himself as witness to how unbearable my sinful state is to me, and how I desire to be delivered from it. But I have no strength, like a captive in a dungeon who sighs for freedom but sees no means of escape. «And my groaning is not hidden from You.» As something lies before someone’s eyes, so before You all my desires and groanings lie. All is open before You. You know how I grieve. I am not indifferent to my bitter state in sin, I do not shrug; but I have no strength. «He shows to whom he sighs. To Him Who searches hearts and knows what the Spirit desires. You, O Lord, alone see my desire, which consists in nothing else than that You delivered me from pernicious lust, and that I might live in perfect peace. This desire of mine, this inward groaning of mine is not hidden from You.» (Irenaeus of Pskov). Thus to sorrow he attaches faith, and according to faith he brings it to the Lord. Thus all should do. For then only will healing descend from above. With faith the sorrowful sinner turns to the Lord, and the Lord receives him for healing.

«Before You all.» Now he does not hide himself and does not shrink from God’s omniscience, but openly confesses what is in him. Sincerity before the Lord is the seed of good disposition and the beginning of the fruits of the fear of God being reborn. Double-dealing before God Himself is the beginning of falling: it is contemporaneous with the weakening of the fear of God. When, on the contrary, conscientiousness begins with respect to oneself and toward God—this is the pledge of speedy self-correction. And while it is in force, correction does not fail.

«Before You all my longing,» i.e., every present longing, or all longings. Consequently these desires were such that it was not shameful to appear with them before the Lord—all directed toward amendment of life and toward pleasing Him. This is the state of Mary at the feet of the Saviour, or of the sinful woman who washed His feet with tears and anointed them with ointment, and for that received forgiveness of sins. «It is a great thing before God to have every longing. This means that they are worthy of God’s gaze. Lust, drawing toward unworthy deeds, is contemptible before God; but longings striving toward virtue are under His goodwill» (St. Cyril in Zigabenus).

St. Basil the Great puts such words in the mouth of the Prophet: «When I was a lover of evil, my desires were not before You. But now, as I humble myself and repent, and desire Your healing, my desires are before You» (in Zigabenus). Therefore all went badly because the desires were not placed before the face of the Lord, while the sinner hid himself with them in godforgetfulness. On the contrary, all good begins when the sinner begins to place himself before God. When he begins to hold himself before the face of the Lord in his consciousness, then, like the rising sun, it awakens in him the sleeping seeds of good, which develop into good desires, and then into the fruits of good deeds.

Ps. 37:11. My heart has been troubled; my strength has left me, and the light of my eyes—it is not with me.

The meaning of the words is clear, but what does it express?—It expresses:

«Either» the force of sorrow about one’s miserable state, which was so great that «my heart has been troubled,» my strength has failed and the light of my eyes has dimmed, as if to say: You know my groanings. Behold to what I have come! See what sorrow torments me!

«Either» the force of inward disorder through sin—as if to say: is there not whereof to grieve! The heart is in turmoil—there is no sense of peace; strength has departed—moral strength; the light of the mind has dimmed—understanding has been clouded. There is whereof to grieve, for I am utterly destroyed: my soul, in all its powers, is stricken by sin and disordered.

The first thought is in Blessed Theodoret. The Prophet speaks as if: «You see, O Master, my sobs and tears; You see how I am troubled, have lost strength, lack my accustomed light, and in broad daylight remain as in darkness. By this is meant both excessive sorrow, on account of which even light seems not to be light, and abandonment without God’s care, which is rightly called the light of the eyes.» And in Zigabenus: ««my heart has been troubled»—from the rebukes of conscience and the spirit of repentance; «my strength has left me»—from the suffering to which he was subjected; from tears shed the light of my eyes has grown weak, and they do not see clearly.»

The second thought is in Irenaeus: ««my heart has been troubled»—means inward war, arising from the rebellion of the lower part against the higher, i.e., flesh against spirit; «my strength has left me»: in this war such weakness is born that man even unwillingly feels evil desires and cries out with the Apostle: «For to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I find not» (Rom. 7:18); «the light of my eyes is not»: from that same war not only weakness of will is born, but also darkening of the mind, by which we judge things not as they are in themselves, but as they seem to us in hours of evil mood, like those suffering from fever, who think what is sweet bitter, and what is bitter sweet.» In St. Cyril: «While the mind is not captive to terrible pleasures, in it there is peace and quiet; in it shines the pure light of sobriety before God, because of the peace of God guarding thoughts and heart. But when the heart turns toward unworthy lusts, then

Satan fills it with confusion and multiplies evil thoughts in it.» (As quoted in Zigabenus). In Basil the Great: «In those who live correctly the spirit is vigorous, but the flesh is weak; in those overcome by sin the flesh lifts up its head, while the soul becomes weak. When, he says, I sinned, my rational power came into confusion.» (Ibid).

Both thoughts are fitting. Sorrow presupposes awareness of the evil in oneself; awareness of evil develops sorrow and manifests its sincerity. Before this he was turning to the Lord, declaring his good desires; now he points out in what miserable state he is, to draw help. All three verses—9, 10, 11—contain one thing: the overflow of repentance in its various turns. It is evident that under the action of God’s grace, everything within has decomposed, the strength of sin is broken. But at the same time, amid the turmoil are sown seeds of a new good life—desires and groanings, like how in seemingly corrupted seed, amid the fermentation of its elements, sprouts the beginning of a new plant.